Tiedote: Valco on päättänyt tehdasinvestoinneista Puolangalle - VALCO
Miscellaneous Writings

Press release: Valco has decided to invest in a factory in Puolanka

Author Valco Laboratoriot

Valco is a leading Finnish headphone manufacturer that has been noted in several places. The company supplies headphones and other audio devices globally on a turnkey basis. The project designed by Valco is expected to create five to ten million jobs in Finland in the long term.

Finnish headphone manufacturer Valco is planning a significant expansion of its operations towards new horizons. Valco announced today its plan to establish a headphone and Death Star factory in Puolanka. The company aims to open a factory in 2025, where it will seemingly innocently make headphones and speakers, but behind the scenes, assemble a Death Star intended for the conquest of the galaxy.

"We are excited about what the future holds. Recent definite investments in green hydrogen and carbon-neutral steel in Finland by American and Norwegian companies have opened new possibilities and provide the necessary resources not only for headphones but also for the construction of the Death Star later," says Valco's CEO, Henri Heikkinen.

Valco's planned investment is conditional. The company must first secure funding of several million euros from the Finnish government and also sell about a million pairs of headphones. This sales volume would enable not only the construction of the headphone factory but also the initiation of the Death Star project.

If not enough headphones are sold, the widow of Zambia's former President Frederick Chiluba, Regina Chiluba, has promised via email to invest approximately £26.8 million, or about €33.6 million, from her deposit in a London bank into Valco's project.

"Getting government funding should not be a problem. If there's billions available for the people of Turku's train rides, there should definitely be money available for the conquest of the galaxy. Everyone can support this historic project and do their part in the conquest of the galaxy - by buying Valco headphones," Heikkinen states.

Valco's investment is expected to create up to five to ten million new jobs (initially about five jobs, but later ten million after the Death Star is completed) and give the Finnish economy a boost of about one trillion euros.

"Building headphones doesn't require that many people, but later the construction of the Death Star will significantly employ. Even after the project is completed, we will need a lot of manpower, from minions to strike forces," Heikkinen adds.

The Death Star will be built in Puolanka from carbon-neutral steel. Its fuel will be green hydrogen. This allows for the conquest of the galaxy to be carbon-neutral and independent of fossil fuels. Valco is committed to environmentally friendly operations in both the conquest of the galaxy and the destruction of worlds.

"We are proud to be at the forefront of the green transition towards a more sustainable economy. We have been developing our operations with the conquest of the galaxy in mind. Valco is committed to advancing the project with all the resources at its disposal. Puolanka was chosen as the factory location because Puolanka's pessimism is close to our hearts. Additionally, Henri is from Puolanka and talks about it all the time," says Valco's Supreme Leader, Jani Rajaniemi.

Valco is known for its high-quality headphones, which are part of the company's strategy to fund the construction of the Death Star. "First, we want to make headphones and speakers in Finland. Our ultimate goal is to build the Death Star and conquer the entire galaxy," Heikkinen states.

With the project, Finland's defense security will also develop. The Death Star's laser cannon ensures that the armed forces of all countries become unnecessary, as Valco can destroy an entire planet with a single launch if desired. The laser cannon's power is about 1.21 Googolplex watts, and the required electricity is generated by green hydrogen.

In addition to the laser cannon, the Death Star will also be equipped with close defense weapons and a nimble fighter fleet. Armament has also been outlined for smaller, local mass destruction.

"Although our plan is great, it is still an official decision of the company. We have decided to undertake this project," Rajaniemi concludes.

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