Tiedote: Valco on päättänyt tehdasinvestoinneista Puolangalle - VALCO
Mixed writings

Press release:Valco has decided to invest in a factory in Puolanga

Author Valco Laboratoriot

Valco is Finland's leading manufacturer of headphones, notable in several markets. The company supplies headphones and other audio equipment worldwide . The project planned by Valco is expected to create between five and ten million jobs in Finland in the long term.

Finnish headphone manufacturer Valco is planning a major expansion towards new horizons. Valco announced today plans to set up a headphone and death star factory in Puolanka. The company plans to open a factory in 2025 that will innocently make headphones and speakers, but in the background will stealthily assemble a Death Star destined to conquer the galaxy.

"We're excited about what the future holds. Recent secure investments in green hydrogen and carbon-neutral steel in Finland by American and Norwegian companies have opened up new opportunities and will provide the resources needed to build not only the headphones, but later the Death Star," says Henri Heikkinen, Senior Overlord Valco.

The planned investment by Valco is conditional. The company must first secure a few million euros in financing from the Finnish government and must also sell around one million pairs of headsets. This volume of sales would allow not only the construction of a headphone factory, but also the launch of a Death Star project.

In the event of insufficient sales, Regina Chiluba, the widow of former Zambian President Frederick Chiluba, has promised by email to invest £26.8 million (about €33.6 million) deposited in a London bank in the Valco project.

"Government funding should not be a problem either. If there is enough money to pay for billions of train rides for people from Turku, there is surely enough to pay for the conquest of the galaxy. Everyone can contribute to this historic project and play their part in conquering the galaxy - by buying a Valco headset," says Heikkinen.

Valco's investment is estimated to create up to five to ten million new jobs (initially about five jobs, but later, when the Death Star is completed, ten million) and give the Finnish economy a boost of around €1 trillion.

"You don't need that many people to assemble the headphones, but later on the Death Star will create a significant number of jobs. Even after the project is completed, we will need a large workforce, ranging from minions to strike forces," adds Heikkinen.

The Death Star will be built in Puolanka from carbon-neutral steel. It will be fuelled by green hydrogen. This will enable the conquest of the galaxy in a carbon-neutral way without dependence on fossil fuels. Valco has a long-standing commitment to environmental sustainability, including in the conquest of the galaxy and the destruction of worlds.

"We are proud to be at the forefront of the green transition towards a more sustainable economy. We have a long history of developing our operations with the conquest of the galaxy in mind. Valco is committed to contributing with all the resources at its disposal. Puolanka has been chosen as the location of the plant because pessimism is close to our hearts. Moreover, Henri is from Puolanka and is always yammering about it," says Jani Rajaniemi,, CEO of Valco.

Valco is known for its high-quality headphones, which are part of the company's strategy to finance the construction of the Death Star. "First, we want to make headphones and speakers in Finland. Our ultimate goal is to build the Death Star and conquer the galaxy," says Heikkinen.

The project will also improve Finland's defence security. The Death Star laser cannon will ensure that the armed forces of all the world's countries will be redundant, as Valco can destroy an entire planet with a single launch. The laser cannon will have a power of about 1.21 Googolplexwatts and will be powered by green hydrogen.

In addition to the laser cannon, the Death Star will also be equipped with short-range defence weapons and a nifty fighter fleet. Armament is also envisaged for smaller, localised mass destruction.

"Although our plans are big, it is still the official decision of the company. We are determined to do this project," concludes Rajaniemi.

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